Author: jm
Fandom: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Disclaimer: Paramount owns all things Trek. Sting wrote the song. I wrote the rest. Not for profit.
Beta: Lyra. Thank you so much! All final mistakes are mine.
Notes: Shameless use of a song in a fic. I promise no one is actually singing or listening to a song in the fic, though. I found a song that's a perfect mirror of P/Q, and couldn't resist including it. Heavy angst alert. You have been warned! A buried movie quote is in here too. The song is "A Thousand Years", from the album "Brand New Day", by Sting.
A THOUSAND YEARS
A thousand years, a thousand more,
A thousand times a million doors to eternity.
I may have lived a thousand lives, a thousand times,
An endless turning stairway climbs,
To a tower of souls.
If it takes another thousand years, a thousand wars,
The towers rise to numberless floors in space.
I could shed another million tears, a million breaths,
A million names but only one truth to face.
Damn you, Picard. Why should I care one iota about some fragile, insignificant, mortal creature who basically throws every sincere gesture of my affection back in my face? Someone who apparently wouldn't, or couldn't, recognize a genuine come-on even when it climbed into his bed and taunted him about-- No, I won't say it. I don't need my feelings rubbed into my wounds right now. You already did a good enough job creating them.
And yet, I must have some sort of sick craving for abuse because I actually want to be back with you. I want to be near you, close to all you hold dear. I'm not one of those things, I'm sorry to say.
I don't know what I must do to convince you, to show you how much I need you. I'm almost afraid to try because then you truly will be able to do anything to me. And I'll take whatever I can get from you, even if it's less than what I really need.
How can one person make me feel this way? Why do you frighten and fascinate me so? And how can I lose this hold you have over me? My power is obvious to the naked eye, but yours is more subtle and cruel. And it was already too late when I realized that.
A million roads, a million fears,
A million suns, ten million years of uncertainty.
I could speak a million lies, a million songs,
A million rights, a million wrongs in this balance of time.
But if there was a single truth, a single light,
A single thought, a singular touch of grace.
Then following this single point, this single flame,
The single haunted memory of your face.
I've been with you more often than you know. I've watched you sleep, counted the breathing of your chest and the beating of your heart. I can track the blood in your veins and see the light from your soul. I'm even starting to read your moods better than that little empath of yours. But I still haven't figured out how to win your trust. And more, Jean-Luc. I want more. Entities are greedy things. Our requirements are so much higher than the average pitiful being on the block.
So now I've found a feast and been told that I can't indulge. Do you know how that's killing me?
Don't tell me to stop being so melodramatic. You have no clue. The average human's passions are nothing compared to mine.
And that's the problem. You were never average. You've proven yourself more than a match for me. Somehow, when I wasn't looking, you won. I still feel as powerless as the day when I got down on my knees and begged. You know how I hate to be powerless. Yet you made me crawl for your compassion. In the end I couldn't even manage to pry that much from your grip.
I still love you.
I still want you.
A thousand times the mysteries unfold themselves,
Like galaxies in my head.
Everywhere people extol the wonders of closeness, of companionship, of devotion. Pretty things to wrap around our animal lust. I want to shove their idiocy down their lying throats. No one says how much these things hurt.
What? Does it surprise you that I desire you? That I would do anything for you? That I can feel pain? I don't know why it should. You saw me at my lowest point, Mon Capitaine. I don't show my weaknesses to just anyone. I can't afford to when I have such powerful vipers circling around me, waiting for their chance to strike at my jugular.
I offered up my very existence for you and your crew. I hope that meant something to you. I've never had to sacrifice anything before, much less myself. It changes everything.
I may be numberless, I may be innocent.
I may know many things, I may be ignorant.
Or I could ride with kings and conquer many lands.
Or win this world at cards and let it slip my hands.
I could be cannon food, destroyed a thousand times,
Reborn as fortune's child to judge another's crimes.
Or wear this pilgrim's cloak, or be a common thief.
I've kept this single faith, I have but one belief.
I've stood before you in some of my many masks--teacher, trickster, God and demon. What I want is to be your friend. I can't ask. I wouldn't know how. Instead I am the master at killing the thing I crave most. Alienating you and destroying any chance at all that I might ever have you. At nearly every turn I throw obstacles in our path. Trying to tempt your flawed First Officer--observing as he tried vainly to peddle useless fantasies to your crew.
A mistake, I'll admit. But then again, there are so many things that I never should have done. Regret is not the way of the Q. It is something I had to learn from you. The taint of eons of experience clings to me. After all this time, I never thought I'd be able to find something that holds my complete attention anymore.
You can be so cold. Your hard shell shields your inner fire. But I have no such shields, and I came to you completely unprepared for what you would do to me. They saw their chance and went for my Achilles' heel, knowing where I'd try to roost. Was it a mistake to show up like that, stripped to the bone? It's too late now. I don't even know if it would help to try to change the past.
So now I sit here and ponder my next move in our little game. I feel fairly sheltered from the others here in this place between time itself. I'm a little afraid to go home. I have been mortal, and some part of me is mortal yet. I am no longer like the others. I care. And that is dangerous among creatures that have forgotten how. Nothing matters to them anymore. I almost wish I could say the same.
I still love you.
I still want you.
A thousand times the mysteries unfold themselves,
Like galaxies in my head.
On and on the mysteries unwind themselves,
Eternities still unsaid,
'Til you love me.
~finis~
