Big Mama Ascem

This story won
Best OCC Humor/Parody
Best OCC "Single Person"
2nd Place Best OCC Story
in the 2001 Ascem Golden O Awards.
Notes:  ASCEML stands for Alternative Star Trek Creative Erotica Moderated List.  It is, or was, a vibrant community with a lot of opinions flying about.
This fic attempts to personify the list, & its features and flaws.  A warts and all story.
Author: T'Boy
Series: OCC
Rating: G
Codes: Parody. OCC.
Beta: None
Feedback: sure, why not? 
Disclaimer: All mine, no money involved.
Summary: Testing the house rules in the Ascem household.

 Big Mama Ascem's standin' at the sink, scrubbin' those dishes. 

"Never enuff ti-ime ta clean up after them childs o'mine," she mutters in that matter of fact way, pushing another baby geebee away from around her ankles with the side of one meaty foot. "Always got sumpin new to share with the names.html">family though," she huffs proudly, swirling the dishcloth around a plate where the remains of today's juicy spokmacoi lunch still cling. "Mm, mmm," she muses, knowin' herself to be one lucky mama, whose clever, bright-eyed kids brought home such a variety of stuff for the family table. Sometimes that ol' table was just groanin'! They even done brung home a fest now and then. Mm mmm. Hmmph. Not like those other mamas, always eatin' the same dang thing, day in and day out. How did they stand it?? 

Mama Ascem shuddered to herself, and thanked her lucky stars she had such a big, large family, and that her kids were so... smart! Well, most of 'em, anyways. 

Yessiree, she may be a little biased, sure 'nuff, but she reckoned it just had to be true that her kids were bigger, smarter and braver than all those inbred brats in the houses over in the next valley. Not that those kids weren't welcome to come and play of course. Mama rolled her big round shoulders defensively. "I always tells everyone, yes I do, this is one big, happy house, and y'all welcome! That's right. Longs' they behaves themselves, and wipes their feet and talks all polite and all, they aint got no problems in this house," she said, very firmly, sneakin' a look round to make sure there weren't no nosy kid listenin' in. Sometimes those kids o' hers were just a little TOO bright, dang it. And noisy too.

Just about then a passel o' kids come chargin' through the room, all talkin' a mile a minute. "It is so your turn!" "Isn't. It's yours!" "I already done qualified the motivation of the writers." "Yeah, but the dichotomy aint resolved yet slacko, aint no-one convinced that scalin''s worth a pinch o' shit." "'Tis too worth shit! "Aint!" "Is!" "Aint!".......

Mama Ascem shook her head fondly as the sound level wound down again. Those kids! She scrubs a few more dishes, cleanin' off the last of this mornin's Jayseven. "My, what things my kids eat for breakfast!" she chuckles.

A tuggin' at her skirt brings a frown, and she looks down, bubbles slidin' off her wrist to her elbows. A big dollop falls off and lands splat on the forehead of the dirty little face turned upward imploringly. "Who in blazes are you?" she asks. 

So many of her kids run off to stay with those families over the hill, it was hard to keep track of all their names, and this one was a little fuzzy. Pretty sure it was one of hers, though. Probably.

"It's me, Mama, Tattoo boy," the urchin complains, wipin' the froth into it's hair, smearing dirt into strange shapes above it's left eyebrow. 

"I do declare," Mama says, exasperatin' like, "you kids come in just covered in muck!" She scrubs at the pouting kid's face, but the mark doesn't move. "Well, it's ingrained now. Take a whole lotta soaking to get that out."

Tattoo boy flinches away and stares up at Mama again. "Mama, I brung home a friend today."

"Another one! You kids are playing way too much over in the other valleys I think. Comin' in here with all kinda strange notions 'n all. Oh well, one more aint gonna make much difference around here I 'spose," she mutters. "Just keep 'em quiet and let 'em sit in the corner. Now run along, and don't make a fuss."

"But Mama, can this one stay over? Pleeeease?"

Mama Ascem frowns, hands plunged back into the sink as she tries to get a grip on that slippery peekyoo dish. Never know how that one will taste. Different every time.

A fresh tuggin' at her skirts brings her back to the moment.

"I thought I tol' you to shoo. Go and play with the other kids."

"But Mama, I got a friend here. She's outside and wants to know if she can stay."

"Stay? Do you know how many kids there are in this house? What do I want with another one today? Send it back home to it's Mama, prob'ly frettin' over where it's at."

A frown and a pout form on the grubby little features. 

"Now what's wrong with you? Can't you see I'm busy? I gotta whole house to run here, and a whole lotta kids wantin' my attenshun. What are you doin' takin' up my time with all this talk about kids from other houses? Go upstairs and help your brothers work out a definition for the truer expression of diversity, and while you're at it, see if they could do with a hand classifyin' the different meals we get roun' here, and the proper statistics of the nutrishunal component of each one. You know how important it is for us to have a varied diet. Now scram!"

"But Ma-maaa," the annoying little kid whines, sniffin' and running it's sleeve across it's spotty nose. "Don't wanna go upstairs. I wanna play with the new kid. You said I could before."

"What'r you talkin' about?"

"You said, iffin we found other kids in the other houses eatin' all the same stuff all the time, we should 'drag their asses over here quicksmart, and show 'em how a real family chows down.'"

"Hmmph," Big Mama says, disconcerted by her strange little kid snifflin' and whinin' in her kitchen. "I said that, did I?"

"Yes'm, you sure did. Said it loud and clear like. I knows, I was list'nen." A little head bobs up and down emphatically.

Big Mama clears her throat. "Well then, I s'pose if I said it, then that's ok. Let it in, but don't let it eat nuthin'."

Huge shocked eyes follow this order. "Mama! You can't mean that! You always tell everyone how you're the biggest, most generous mama in the whole world." A strange look comes over the little features, not very pretty. "You didn't....lie, did you Mama?"

"Land sakes child! Where ever did you get such a notion? I'm surprised at you! Comin' in here and botherin' your mama, now you're callin' me names, nasty names! I've a good mind to take you over my knee, I have."

"I didn't call you any names mama, I just asked you sumpin," said Tattoo boy, nimbly slippin' round the other side of a chair, just in case. Big Mama's hand could be pretty mean when she set her mind to it. "Can she stay and eat, or what?"

"Well," the outraged woman dithers, looking for a way to end this unpleasant little child's questions. "I s'pose there's a scrap or two in the fridge we can spare."

A big, silent frown greets this suggestion.

The silence grows.

"Would she like to stay for dinner then?" Big Mama Ascem concedes.

A smile lights the little features, turning the grubby visage into something a little brighter. 'Hmm,' thinks Mama, 'it aint really such an ugly little thing in the light from the window, I guess.'

"Yes please, Mama, thank you. And can I make up a bed for her in one of the rooms? I think she'd like to stay awhile. She's allowed. And she plays nice, and she even brought you a present Mama, something nice for the table."

Big Mama Ascem melts a little inside. She always likes a well mannered child. And it couldn't really hurt to welcome the new little one in, she supposes.

"There's room for everyone. Bring her in then, and put her present in the fridge. We'll have some with supper."

The little kid scoots out from behind the chair and throws it's arms about the big woman.

"Oh thank you Mama. Thank you. I knew you'd let her in. You're jus' the kindest, most wonderful mama in the whole wide world. I love you Mama."

"There, there, that's enuff of that mushiness, I've got work to do. Run along now Tattered Boy, and mind you wash up for dinner."

The little kid sighs, and looks at it's Mama fondly. "That's 'Tattoo' Mama."


"Never mind." He looks over his shoulder as he heads toward the door, watchin' as the big, busy woman gets back to her chores.

"Ooh, now I'd forgotten about that Toovockneelicks dessert. Rather strange taste, really..."



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